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16 June 2007 @ 01:51 am
My, my, here comes the fuzz...  
Third one down! In other news, I'm currently working on chibijelly's and gabbie_is_uke's. chibijelly: yours is currently at 1.500 words. gabbie_is_uke: yours is at 666 words.

Téléphone Á…
by Alouette Sparra
For: ladyames
Word Count: 1786
Request:  Recall the comment crack? I would love to read the conversation Nicholas has on his call to London.
Warnings: Obviously, for crack. Seriously, you’ll need to be at least passingly familiar with the crack to understand this. Hence why every time I say crack there’s a link to the crack Go, read the crack.

You back? Good. Now, that means there’s a passing mention of voyeurism and AAA. There’s also one-sided Sioffre/Nicholas (Sioffre being my name for Deskjob), Doctor Who, anime, pet names, Japanese, and a lot of rules.

    Alright, he was a grown man. He could handle this without locking himself in the bathroom and crying like a teenage girl who just caught her boyfriend sleeping with someone else.

    Perhaps locking himself in his office and pressing his forehead against his desk was the grown male equivalent to that. Certainly he felt a bit like an overly emotional teenager of the female persuasion right now. Really, the fact that the Andes wanted to borrow those DVDs from Danny shouldn’t have surprised him in the least. Then again, he’d probably lost a decade from his life upon finding out exactly why Danny had so many copies of Bad Boys, Red Heat, Lethal Weapon, and the TV series I Spy. Had the contents of the DVD cases been any other sort of… er… porn, then perhaps he’d be able to laugh at the titles that Danny had picked to hide them. As it were, he really just wanted a hug and someone to listen.

    Actually, Sioffre had said to call at any time if he needed. That’d be good, Sioffre had always known exactly what to say. Well, there’d been that one time he’d said exactly the wrong thing, but how was he to know that Nicholas’ mum was long dead? Especially since Nicholas did not, as a rule, talk about his family.

    That being neither here nor there, Nicholas picked up the phone and dialed Sioffre’s mobile. Hopefully he wasn’t in a meeting or busy or anything. The phone rang five times, and Nicholas was about ready to hang up when the ringing stopped.

    “ ‘Ello?” Sioffre sounded half asleep.

    “Er, hi. Is this a bad time?” Nicholas hoped he had kept the note of desperation out of his voice.

    A rustling of bedcovers was transmitted over the line. “What? Nic? You alright?” Sioffre still sounded as though he could use a few more hours sleep. It was a bad time.

    “I should go,” Nicholas said, “You need your rest.”

    “Hang up and I’ll drive to Sandford and kill you. It is not a bad time” -and here Sioffre punctuated with a
yawn- “Right. Maybe it is, but if you hang up now without telling me what’s wrong, I won’t get back to sleep. Now talk, and that’s an order.”

    Nicholas chuckled at that, “Sio, I’m an Inspector now. You don’t outrank me anymore.”


    “Don’ call me that.”

    “Then talk to me.”

    “It’s complicated and you’re tired and-”

    “Why don’t you pretend to forget why you called entirely and go off on a tangent so I can just call you ‘Dori’ and get it over with?”

    “SIO!” Nicholas almost yelled, recalling in time that his office door was not that thick.


    “It’s about Danny…”

    “He finally confess his undying love to you?”

    “What?! No! It’s a lot more disturbing than that!”

    “He finally caught on that you were climbing mountains and was so turned on that he filmed you three going at it like rabbits?”

    “…Wait, what? How’d you know?”

    Sioffre giggled at Nicholas’ confusion. This only served to annoy Nicholas more, but at least he wasn’t about to burst into tears now. “Come off it, Nic. It was bound to happen and you did say disturbing.” Well, that, and at about 2300 yesterday he’d gotten a frantic call from Danny about the situation. He wondered how people knew to call him to deal with Nicholas. Especially since he’d never actually talked to Danny before, beyond the usual pleasantries the first and last time they’d met in front of a slightly destroyed Model Village.

    “Riiiiight…” Nicholas didn’t sound entirely convinced. “Can I just hide in my office for a while?”


    “How about returning to London? I’m sure they’d let me if I asked.”


    “Just fleeing then?”


    “Oh come on, I’m never going to be able to look Danny in the eye again knowing this!”

    Sioffre sighed. “Yes, you will. You’re Nicholas Angel.”

    “What’s that got to do with anything?”

    “I can only think of two forces in the universe as unstoppable as you: The Doctor, and the ability of Japan to be the focal point of invasion by otherworldly forces, thus necessitating the endowment of magical powers upon some hapless teenagers of the typically female persuasion.”   

    “…You’ve been watching anime lately, haven’t you?”

    “How could you tell?”

    “You’re in fanboy mode.”

    “Sorry, love.”

    “Quite alright, and don’t call me that.”

    “Sorry, babe.”

    “That’s also verboten.”

    “Sorry, and would you speak either English or Japanese, ichuunohito.”

    “I don’t know Japanese, but whatever you just called me is most likely also not acceptable.”

    “Pah, you’re no fun.”

    “So I’ve been told. Wait, why the Doctor?”

    “Hello? The Oncoming Storm?”

    “Yes, but I doubt I qualify for status as the Ka Faraq Gatri. I always thought the Daleks were cute in their own way.”

    “Yeah, uhm… Nicholas, love, about that… They’re supposed to scare you.”

    “But they’ve got that neat armour and-”

    “You’re scaring me. At least now I remember why I stopped watching Doctor Who with you.”

    “Be that way, then.”

    “Feeling better?”

    “… Yes.”

    “Good. So, the entire reason you called is becauset you want to know how to deal with this, am I right?”

    Nicholas nodded. He then realised that Sioffre couldn’t see the nod, being at the other end of a telephone in London. “Yes.”

    “Right then. Thirteen easy steps!”

    “Why thirteen?”

    “Because I said so.”

    “Why are they steps? Steps can be skipped. Why not rules?”

    Sioffre laughed. “It’s always about rules with you, isn’t it Nicki?”

    A long suffering sigh escaped Nicholas’ lips. “Whatever you want to call it, just get on with it…”

    “I knew I’d wear you down eventually! Anyhow, first things first…”
… … … … … … … … … … … … …

    An hour later, the two were done with the rules. Nicholas had copied them down into the back of his notebook for future reference.

    “Thanks, Sio,” he grinned. This would definitely help make talking with Danny a bit more bearable. Not pleasant, by any means. In fact, Nicholas was sure that if he had any opportunity to avoid this talk he’d probably take it.

    “Not a problem, Nicki-love.”

    “You’re irrepressible, aren’t you?”

    “One of my more loveable traits.” Sioffre hadn’t missed the hint of fondness mixed in with the all too familiar exasperation.

    “Call you later?”


    After that, Nicholas had hung up. Sioffre leaned back onto the kitchen counter in his flat and stared at the screen of his mobile. I should be used to this by now. Nicholas, whilst good at picking up on things at crime scenes that others might miss, was notoriously bad at noticing the cues given by other people concerning emotions and the ilk. Hence why he had never achieved detective. So really, Sioffre knew that Nicholas was not ignoring his (rather obvious to just about everyone else) crush on purpose. Other fish in the sea and all that aside, he had the feeling that Nic was going to be the death of him. Ah well, hopefully he could make sure that Nicholas didn’t trample on too many hearts in the meantime.
… … … … … … … … … … … … …

    Before he left for the day, Nicholas read over the rules one more time. Not that he hadn’t read them about a million times by now, even though he was supposed to be doing paperwork.

    Rule 1./ Find a nice private place to discuss the matter.

    Rule 2./ Be direct about the problem. (Here he had interrupted Sioffre. He had been positive that doing that would be detrimental to finding out what was going on, but had been reassured that it would work for him. Nicholas took this to mean that it wouldn’t work for anyone else and had asked why it would then work for him. Apparently it would work because no one expected him to be direct about personal matters, or even bring them up for that matter. He felt a little miffed after hearing that.)

    Rule 3./ If the direct approach doesn’t work, then get him thouroughly pissed. Nothing distracts like beer. (He had been cautioned to not drink any himself, seeing as he’d be drunk long before Danny ever would.)

    Rule 4./ Whatever he says when he's drunk, since you're supposed to be drunk too, don't act all shocked like you would if you were sober. Even if he says something completely shocking.

    Rule 5./ If he asks if he really just said all that, say something that sounds drunk and agreeable.

    Rule 6./ Never give up, never surrender! (This had sparked an argument, and Sioffre had nearly hung up.)

    Rule 7./ If all he does is stare at you after the events of Rules Four and Five, then you do something, damnit. (Sioffre added on the caveat of “You’d better think pretty carefully about where you want that something to go.”)

    Rule 8./ Beer+Beer+Beer+Sex=Bad Idea. (“It’s nothing fancy, but you get the idea.”)

    Rule 9./ If nothing that would lead to Rule 8 occurs after Rule 7, don’t do anything that could lead to Rule 8.

    Rule 10./ Don’t have cause to remember Rule 8. It’s just a bad idea.

    Rule 11./ Whatever he says about the problem, don’t laugh and, more importantly, do NOT get angry. Do not yell, shout, holler, or be in any way, shape, or form unpleasant. (“He’s probably as upset as you are, if not moreso. After all, he has to curse his stupidity for even filming this in the first place, much less not thinking of a better hiding place.”)

    Rule 12./ Don’t get upset. (After being told he had already said that, Sioffre replied with, “I know I did. It’s that important. If you forget every other rule, do not forget this one. It will save your hide later on. Actually, don‘t forget Eight either.”)

    Rule 13./ If you ignore Rules 8 and 11/12, you do so at your own peril, and I will not help you out of the resulting mess. (“I mean it, Nicholas.”)

    Right then, he supposed he had them memorised. He could even attach parts of the conversation to most of the rules. Good. Time to go find Danny, then. As he left his office, he thought he heard Tony mutter something to Walker. Sounded a lot like “My, my, here come the fuzz.” but he couldn’t be certain. He also had no idea what would prompt Tony to say something like that. Well, it really wasn’t that important, so Nicholas just headed to the locker room to get changed, thankful that he’d heard Danny leave about an hour or so prior.

Current Mood: distressedHow'm I gonna finish nine more
sammiface!: dekaranger | EMERGENCY!chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 06:11 am (UTC)
Never give up. NEVER SURRENDER!!!111one.


ilu. ♥
sammiface!: black books | evan.chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 06:17 am (UTC)
PS: The crack? Oh man. Incredibly cracked out. Keep up the great work. ♥

PPS: Hay bb are you on AIM ever?
alouette_sparra: Angelalouette_sparra on June 16th, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
Sometimes. It's in my profile, but I'll mention it here too: Kitty890613.

Sometimes it crashes my computer though.
sammiface!: doctor who | the editor.chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 06:21 am (UTC)
I'mma IM you now!! :o
alouette_sparra: hedgehogalouette_sparra on June 16th, 2007 06:24 am (UTC)
sammiface!: hot fuzz | bringing sexy back.chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 07:06 am (UTC)
alouette_sparra: loadingalouette_sparra on June 16th, 2007 07:10 am (UTC)

The icon! I loves it.
sammiface!: black books | evan.chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 07:33 am (UTC)
I aim to please. :3
in some realities: !!!  (HF)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 07:22 am (UTC)

*cough* sorry.

everybody needs a ride on that bicycle.
sammiface!: hot fuzz | I NEED IT.chibijelly on June 16th, 2007 07:34 am (UTC)
The bicycle. I need it. XD
in some realities: And The Horse He Road In On  (HF)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 07:36 am (UTC)
there's a waiting list. sign here. *points* don't worry, it's not a long wait. it gets around pretty quick.

in some realities: Squee  (RK Kamatari)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 06:35 am (UTC)
for some reason this reminded me that i want to write a fic with Nic and Danny watching COPS.
ok, you won me with anime Fanboy!Sioffre. WIN.

i wonder if i'll be able to stop grinning anytime soon.

this is a hundred times better than i could have come up with.

there are too many good things for me to list them all.


in some realities: Puzzled (Misao RK)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 07:40 am (UTC)
i'm not sure if i should be scared or excited...
that people will read the crack now. oh hell, i can't wait.

yeah, i was going to say this before, but i forgot. oops. i was too excited. heh.
Paula: did someone mention a secret door?averysmallthing on June 16th, 2007 06:46 am (UTC)
Will there be more? Please say there will be more. This was brilliant! I loved Nicholas, and I LOVED Sioffre, and I usually don't like Deskjob characters. Brilliant.
alouette_sparra: Caffeinealouette_sparra on June 16th, 2007 07:00 am (UTC)
Question: What'd you like about Sioffre? And what don't you usually like about Deskjob characters? I'm curious.
Paula: andysquared is loveaverysmallthing on June 16th, 2007 02:03 pm (UTC)
I think it was the rules that I liked, and I think that the fact that that bit was Sioffre's is what made me like him.

I think what I do not like about Deskjob characters is that they are for the most part OC's, and I'm not necessarily buying it. That doesn't just apply here; in any other fandom, I wouldn't touch an OC with a 10-foot-pole. I find OC's usually turn out to be Mary Sues.

With Deskjobs, I try to picture Martin Freeman. That's my yardstick. Deskjob does serve a good purpose in this fandom, an outside go-to guy for Nicholas. I just think that purpose can be served without resulting to a mary sue. By creating a more rounded or more interesting character.

So how is Sioffre pronounced? 'Cause I haven't a clue.
alouette_sparra: Editoralouette_sparra on June 16th, 2007 02:54 pm (UTC)
Well, it's welsh, and I actually have a pronunciation thingy back when he first shows up in Dorian. So the "Si" is equivalent to the Italian "Gi". Making it "jo-frey". Not exactly my intent, but it ended up suiting him better.

chibijelly is a little insulted, and here I rise to her defense.

I think the main problem with Deskjob is that in a way, you kind of have to make him an OC because they really don't give you much to go off of in the film, and not everyone is entirely familiar with how the actor would perhaps react in a given situation.

Now, for me, there's no urge to make Sioffre a Mary Sue. Simply because I look at him and go "Where in blazes did you come from?!" I actually have some problems with Nicholas, because I think a lot like Nicholas and some things end up bleeding over. It annoys me because I really like to be true to the characters.

I have to agree that Deskjob is the outside go to guy. My main worry here was that the fact that Sioffre is interested in Nic is, by this juncture, a tad cliche. Then I realised, there's nothing saying that he'd ever come out and say it, or that Nicholas even has to like him back.

Seriously, if you haven't read Dorian it gives a better idea as to Sioffre's character. Although he has evolved a bit since first appearing, it doesn't matter because Dorian is all about the idea of the face we show to the world and what really goes on in our heads.

Prolly why it's so damn hard to write...

Gyah! Here you went asking how to pronounce and I just ramble on! Sorry 'bout that. *sheepish grin*
Paula: home sweet homeaverysmallthing on June 16th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I went searching through some previous posts and couldn't find anything Sioffre-related, but I wasn't exactly what you would call awake at the time. I then googled Sioffre, and the first result had a pronunciation in the description. Didn't even need to click on it.

chibijelly dosen't need to be insulted, and I'm far from singling anyone out. Let me clarify a few things. First of all, I completely understand that Deskjob needs to be an OC. He's there like 10 minutes. For him to be a character, he's going to be an OC. I have no problem whatsoever with OCs. My problem stems with OCs that turn out to be mary sues. And most OCs I've read (please don't read that as "most Deskjob OCs") are mary sues. Some mary sues are quite enjoyable, and I've heard it said every fandom needs a good one. I'm just not sure that this fandom needs one from every author and that I need to read all of them, especially when I'm not interested in the pairing involved. That said, with good writing, not all Deskjob OCs are gonna be mary sues. But in my experience, most OCs do turn out that way.

Hence my comment that started this off (and very inadvertently and unfortunately offended chibijelly) that I avoid Deskjob OCs.

As for me saying I try to picture Martin Freeman saying things in my head and use that as my yardstick for whether the Deskjob character is working, I am beginning to see how that may have come off incredibly snobby, and that was not at all how I intended that comment. That's just how I do it. If I read a Danny line and it doesn't feel like Danny, I picture Nick Frost as Danny saying it, and then go, "Ohhhhhh... It IS Danny!" So I do Martin Freeman (kind of as Tim from The Office, 'cause most people write him much less cartoonish than we see him in Hot Fuzz, and Tim was his most normal character that I've seen) in my head saying the line. *shrugs* It's what works for me when figuring out a character.

I really am very upset that I insulted anyone or hurt anyone's feelings or anything of that sort. Could you please let chibijelli know I am VERY sorry and that it was completely unintentional.
(Deleted comment)
(Anonymous) on June 16th, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
Alouette Sparra of the crappy intarchoob connection
Ichuunohito= Japanese for sweetheart. Literally means person in my thoughts (heart).

Haha, no, no hentai. Just Voyeur!Danny. And a lot of crack. Lots. Like, tonnes.

I could not resist the Galaxy Quest. It just worked so well. I probably add in far too many small references to other things in my fic, but I just enjoy seeing what people have to say...

Have I ever told you how much I love that icon?

It surprises me that no one's commented about Nicholas thinking the Daleks are cute... I would have sworn someone would have said something...
(Deleted comment)
(Anonymous) on June 16th, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
Heresy! Go watch it nau!!! *points you to YouTube* I'd tell you where to download it, but I don't know where you could.
in some realities: GIANT NINJA (Venture Brothers quote)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC)
*butts into conversation*
*prepares to be stoned*

so i am not the only one. good good.
(Deleted comment)
in some realities: Donut (Goku Saiyuki)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
when i was a kid, my family use to watch it on PBS. i've just never gotten around to watching the new stuff. it has been added to my Netflix though, so i'll eventually watch it.

*shrugs* growing up in house full of sci-fi fans has made me a little wary (because my mother watches so much CRAP) of certain things.

eh, i'm rambling.
(Anonymous) on June 16th, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC)
I liked it and I'm not too big on Sci-Fi. *shrugs*

Oh, and I don't stone. That's too outdated. I just use my secret Soviet Weather Machine to zot people and oops, did I say that aloud?
in some realities: Shhh... (Kakashi)ladyames on June 16th, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
well, i'm sure i'll be raving or ranting soon as it's near the top of the Netflix queue.

give it your best shot. i do not fear your weather machine. *evil laugh*