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05 June 2007 @ 10:26 am
fic: doctor smith & the magical police box of wonderment. (1/?)  
Title: Doctor Smith & the Magical Police Box of Wonderment. (1/?)
Author: chibijelly
Rating: this chapter - PG for some language? I don't even know.
Word Count: this chapter - 1,764.
Pairing: none, but there are hints of Nick/Danny & Wainwright/Cartwright. Oh, and kittens.
Disclaimer: I own none of this.

Overall Summary: A police box suddenly appears in the middle of Sandford! As does a rather suspicious physician who goes by the name of Smith. John Smith. Could they be connected? Is he really The Doctor? And what about all the kittens!?

Notes: Blatant Hot Fuzz/Doctor Who crack!fic with kittens. For all Hot Fuzz fans: this takes place after the events of the movie. (I also apologize if Angel has reverted back to acting like an asshole.) For all the Ninth Doctor fans: you’re getting Ten. (Because I said so.) And for all you fans of a certain guest villain from back in season one… well… just read the fic.

PS: Don't worry. I'll pick up my other fic soon. This is just therapy.

There was a sound that suspiciously resembled one of house keys being dragged across old piano strings, and then there was nothing at all. Except for the faint sound of sheep bleating in the distant fields. And the bright blue box that was sitting conspicuously in the middle of the village square.

Even though it was customary for the citizens of Sandford to rise rather early every morning, they were unmoved from their beds by the ruckus. It wasn't until the sun was up that anyone noticed anything out of the ordinary at all, namely the police box that had magically found its way to the street outside of the pub.

And that was when the flood of phone calls hit Inspector Nicholas Angel's office.

"Pardon? No, I don't ever recall approving the installation of a police box... but there is one? That's rather odd. Okay - okay, thank you - yes. I will send someone to check on it. Yes, thank you. Good day, ma'am."

Nicholas slammed the phone down on the receiver, making a noise of frustration. That was the fifth phone call he'd received since stepping into the office not even fifteen minutes prior.

"DAMMIT, ANDYS!" he roared, standing up behind his desk and slamming his fists down on it.

Doris popped her head in, a tea cup in one hand and a small pitcher of milk in the other. She was mid-breakfast at her desk outside. "What is it, love? Want me to get them for you?"

"Yes, Doris. I wish to have a word with them. Immediately."

“Right then, love.”

The Andys were strolling into the station late for their shift (as usual) when they were intercepted by Doris, who simply pointed in the direction of the Inspector's office before taking a bite of biscuit and returning to lounging at her desk in the corner.

"What is it, Angle?" Wainwright asked, annoyed.

"Yeah what is it Angle?" Cartwright echoed in one lazy breath, appearing in the doorway next to his partner.

"Sit down. Now."

The tone of Nicholas' voice told them there was no time for fooling around. He meant serious business.

But they didn't do as told. Instead, they simply stood in the doorway, leaning against opposite sides of the frame, arms crossed in a defiant manner.

"Thought it would be a laugh to stick a police box in the middle of town, didn't you?" Nicholas asked, rounding his desk to stand in front of it.

The Andys stared at him. "No?" they replied in unison.

"What police box?" Cartwright added a moment later. Wainwright took to lighting a cigarette.

"The giant blue box with the words POLICE and BOX on it. Don't play daft with me."

"Wanker, don't talk to 'im like that," Wainwright cut in, extinguishing a match and pointing his lit fag at his superior. "We've done nothin' wrong an' you know it."

"You two follow me," Nicholas demanded, glaring at them as he stormed past. He left the office, grabbing his cap and jacket on the way, the Andys not too far behind. The Inspector would just have to assess the situation himself.

"Hey Nick, did ya see the police --"

"Not now, Danny."

Sergeant Daniel Butterman stood off to the side as Nicholas pushed past him and out the door.

"I guess yeh did," Danny said to himself before following the procession of Inspector and Detectives outside.

"The wanker thinks we did it," Wainwright said, loudly enough for Nicholas (who was a few steps ahead) to hear.

"Well, who else could've done it!"

"The Doctor, for one," Danny commented, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

Nicholas stopped walking and turned to look at his partner with a look of the utmost bewilderment. “What doctor?”

"Oh come on, Nick. You don't know the Doctor? He's on the telly practically every weekend."

"I don't watch the telly, Danny." Which was true. Nicholas rarely watched the television, save for the random game of football or rugby on the sports. Although, his previous partner at the Met, an officer by the name of Martin Wilson, had talked his ear off enough about the science-fiction series more times than enough. That and something by the name of H2G2, whatever that was.

"That explains a lot," Wainwright commented before taking a drag. Cartwright snickered before lighting up himself. Nicholas glared at them and then looked back to the police box. It was standing quietly next to the fountain. There wasn't another soul in sight. Some small birds flew by.

"Has anyone been seen entering or leaving the box?" Nicholas asked, his arms folded.

"How would we know?" the Andys replied in unison.

Nicholas grabbed at the handle on the door and pulled. But it didn't budge. He used both hands, but no luck. With a face of determination, he pulled and pulled -- but he wound up on the cobblestone street, having fallen on his ass.

"How could it be locked?" he asked, fuming to himself as he snatched his cap off of his head and threw it to the ground next to him.

"Someone used a key on it, obviously," Wainwright commented.

"Oh don't be smart with me!"

The Andys snickered and went back to smoking.

Danny had been circling the police box, surveying it with an expression of wonderment on his face. "Blimey, what if this is the TARDIS?" he wondered aloud.

"What the bloody hell is a TARDIS?" Nicholas asked, picking himself up from the ground.

"Magical police box."

"It's not magical, Danny."

"That can travel through time and space."

"This thing can't travel anywhere. It's too heavy. The door won't even open."

"Says you. The TARDIS is alien! It can do anything!"

“It’s just a television programme, Danny. It’s not real.”

“Well – well -- you’re not real!”


While the officers Angel and Butterman continued to bicker like an old, married couple, they did not notice the appearance of a thin, sharply-dressed man with high-top sneakers and his hands shoved in the pockets of his tan trench coat as he exited the pub. Nor did they notice the man as he stopped in his tracks, his neutral expression replaced by one of surprise and then another of pure annoyance upon spotting all the officers standing around the box.

“Good morning, officers!” he finally called, waving slightly as he approached them, a broad smile on his face.

Nicholas and Danny abruptly stopped their arguing and turned to face him. The Andys had already wandered off to be amongst themselves.

“Oh – morning,” Nicholas replied, a bit hesitant.

Danny was about to say the same, but stopped and simply stared.

The man caught this reaction and gave a brief, worried look before smiling again, this time a bit more uneasily.

“I don’t recall ever seeing you around town,” Nicholas continued, keeping his professionalism at a high level. He crossed his arms and looked over the stranger with a holier-than-thou sort of air about him, giving him the suspicious eye.

“Are you the Doctor?” Danny blurted out, edging closer to him, his eyes wide with wonderment. He asked this question with the utmost sincerity.

The man stared at him, and then looked to the other officer, and then back. “Doctor… who?” he replied, to which Danny laughed and clapped his hands, thoroughly amused.

“Sergeant Butterman, if you please,” Nicholas reprimanded him quickly, looking at him from the corner of his eye.

“Righ’ right’…” Danny sighed, rolling his eyes as he backed away to stand a bit behind his partner.

“What my partner meant to say,” Nicholas continued, “is that we’re expecting a new physician in town. Are you him?”

The man was still staring. “Oh.” But then he smiled again, his hands leaving his pockets. He extended one for a handshake. “Of course I am! The name’s Smith. Doctor John Smith, it’s a pleasure meeting you.”

Nicholas did not accept the hand. “Uh… huh. And when did you pop into town, Doctor?”

“Last evening.”

“Means of transportation?”

“TARDIS!” Danny chimed in, grinning happily.

“What?” Doctor Smith replied, sounding utterly confused.

Sergeant Butterman.”

“Righ’, sorry.”

Doctor Smith was eyeing Danny again as he retreated behind his partner. “Cab,” he finally replied, his voice calm and even.

“Very well then.” And then Nicholas extended his hand for a shake. “Nicholas Angel, Inspector of the Sandford Police Department. Welcome to town.”

The man smiled one of relief and shook Nicholas’ hand with enthusiasm. “Charmed, really.”

“And this is my partner. Sergeant Daniel Butterman.”

“Are you sure you’re not the Doctor?” Danny asked, completely unaware of the introductions taking place. “A nine-‘undred-forty-five-year-old Timelord?”

“Please forgive him,” Nicholas cut in, sighing exasperatedly. “He thinks you’re a character from a television programme.”

Doctor Smith merely chuckled. “If I’m a character from a television programme, then the Vogons are currently planning on demolishing this lousy planet to make way for an interstellar bypass.”

This all made sense in Danny’s mind. In Nicholas’? Not so much.

“Are they then?” Danny asked, gasping. He turned to Nicholas. “Do you have your towel? We need to be ready to leave the planet!”

Doctor Smith stared again, silently. Nicholas started to berate his partner in a hushed tone, and they started to argue once more. Perhaps he could use this moment as a means of getting back into the police box? But they were standing too close to the door… The last thing he needed was more humans knowing of his existence. But then, he figured, the BBC had already given away more hints than were entirely necessary…

He decided to play it cool. At least until the policemen went home.

“Who’re you, then?”

Smith quickly snapped out of his thoughtful tangent upon hearing the question. Two thin men with moustaches and sunglasses, the ones who were smoking earlier, had wandered back to the scene. Angel and Butterman had taken their arguing a bit away from the square, but they were still arguing nonetheless.

“Doctor John Smith,” he quickly replied, smiling a friendly smile.

“We’re the detectives ‘round ‘ere,” Cartwright said, pulling the pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket. His partner quickly snatched it from his hand and stole a fag for himself before tossing the box back.

“Oh, well, it’s very nice to meet you, Detectives.”

“Likewise, I’m sure,” Wainwright commented, his cigarette hanging from his mouth. He then took a drag.

“I think it’s ‘round lunchtime by now,” Cartwright said. “Pub?” He gestured across the street.

“Wonderful idea, really. Can we interest you in a drink there, Doctor?”

Anything to buy him more time to develop a plan.
Current Mood: sillysilly
moritainekai on June 5th, 2007 03:13 pm (UTC)
I laughed so hard at the references. Doctor Who and Hitchhiker's FTW.

'Tis a fun little fic. :]
sammiface!: doctor who | rawr.chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
It'll only get worse.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Charliesilver_stargate on June 5th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
LOL I squeaked when I saw the crossover! and then grinned and laughed and then demanded more when I'd read it!!

This is awesome, especially Danny he's just ♥
sammiface!: h2g2 | 10 outta 10 for style.chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
More is on the waaaaaay.
laur: hiroxandoilurveyourmom on June 5th, 2007 03:52 pm (UTC)
:O When Danny mentioned towels I stood up at my desk and went "YES!"
sammiface!: h2g2 | magical rainbow ford.chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
Paula: double-oh coolaverysmallthing on June 5th, 2007 04:13 pm (UTC)
Except for the fact that Nicholas would have had to have been deaf, dumb, and blind (a la Tommy) to have grown up in England and not know what the TARDIS is, I thought it was very cute. :) Especially Ten's HHG ref. *thumbs up*

Will Martha be making an appearance?
sammiface!: hot fuzz | captain wow.chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
Actually, Nicholas is playing dumb. Martin would always talk about Doctor Who, and he secretly watched it himself. He's just trying to be all macho and stuff.
(no subject) - averysmallthing on June 5th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
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(no subject) - chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Red: Doctor Who - Evilredderz on June 5th, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
I... I... *is speechless* Possibly the best crossover... ever! TEN! Hooray!

Also, does this mean that Martin is secretly Arthur Dent? Maybe Nicholas really isn't real! Either that or he's trapped in an alternate dimension.

Definitely can't wait for more.
sammiface!: hot fuzz | cheeky monkey.chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC)

... *runs off into the shadows!*
(no subject) - redderz on June 5th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - redderz on June 5th, 2007 10:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Nitesh: World on firenitesh_update on June 5th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
Oh god, a Doctor Who/Hot Fuzz crossover. My two favorite things. :D My day is totally, utterly complete.
sammiface!: doctor who | and you hung up on me!chibijelly on June 5th, 2007 10:50 pm (UTC)
Lady Rogue: Nick Angel by clairebandaidsladyrogue79 on June 6th, 2007 03:22 am (UTC)
Oh man, DW/HF?? WIN!
sammiface!: doctor who | cute = understatement.chibijelly on June 6th, 2007 06:46 am (UTC)
Excessive Kumquats: Doctor blue steelacidpenguin46 on June 6th, 2007 04:14 am (UTC)
BWAH! This was completely and utterly awesome. Plus a big Hell Yeah for the Hitchhiker's reference. I love this, and I can't wait for the next chapter :D
sammiface!: hot fuzz | captain wow.chibijelly on June 6th, 2007 06:46 am (UTC)
Hahaha, thank you. :) Second part's up, so go check it out!
alouette_sparra: Caffeinealouette_sparra on June 6th, 2007 04:30 am (UTC)
I love you. I mean it. Here I was, re-watching some of my favourite episodes from the new season, thinking Wouldn't it be fantastic if someone made a Hot Fuzz/Doctor Who fic? (That thought occuring, of course, during The Long Game) and then I pop on to LJ and what greets my eyes?


And this is fantastic.

(Curse you for not using the 9th Doctor though. Oh well, that just means I now have an excuse to write one of my own...)
sammiface!: doctor who | PONY!chibijelly on June 6th, 2007 06:47 am (UTC)
We're just operating on the same mind-wavelength, that's all. :)

I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! Part two's up, if you're interested.

(I was going to write Nine, but... I dunno. Ten + Kittens = OHMANNNNNN.)
germncheesecakegermncheesecake on June 6th, 2007 05:38 am (UTC)
Although, his previous partner at the Met, an officer by the name of Martin Wilson, had talked his ear off enough about the science-fiction series more times than enough. That and something by the name of H2G2, whatever that was.

BRILLIANT. XD This whole thing made my day. I can't wait for more! And poor Angel. He is not real. :D
sammiface!: h2g2 | triangle of sexy.chibijelly on June 6th, 2007 06:48 am (UTC)
I'm surprised not too many people picked up on the whole Martin-Wilson-is-just-Arthur-Dent-in-disguise thing from my other fic-in-progress... *shifty eyes* I SAID NOTHING.

lifeinsomniac on June 6th, 2007 09:36 am (UTC)
Doctor Smith merely chuckled. “If I’m a character from a television programme, then the Vogons are currently planning on demolishing this lousy planet to make way for an interstellar bypass.”

This all made sense in Danny’s mind. In Nicholas’? Not so much.


Oh, I have such an embarrassing amount of love for this fic. It's...it's...it's brilliant. It's so brilliant it brings a tear to my eyes.
sammiface!: h2g2 | LAWLZ!chibijelly on June 7th, 2007 02:09 pm (UTC)
The H2G2 insanity continues. Trust me. XD
roach_xx on June 6th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
My two most favourite things ever, combined!
This made my day x3
sammiface!: h2g2 | beyond suggestive.chibijelly on June 7th, 2007 02:10 pm (UTC)
Stay tuned for more. ♥