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14 May 2007 @ 10:09 pm
Oh, what? A fic?  
Alright, a few things before I post this thing:

This is one of the very few times I've actually written any kind of fanfiction, so it's probably a little out of character. The idea is probably a little over done and a little to the wrong side of ridiculous.
Finally: I'm kind of just posting this so more people, who are much better than me at writing, will be inspired to write fics about The Andys. Because...well, they're The Andys.

Title: Routine as Always.
Author: ocularis
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Word Count: 1476
Disclaimer: They're not mine, never will be mine, but I love them dearly. No bulls were hurt either...it's alright.
Characters: DS Andy Wainwright and DC Andy Cartwright
Rating: Uum, I don't quite know, actually. there's a lot of swearing, but that's about it.
Summary: It's business as usual on a clear, sunny day in Sandford. But when there is no one else to take care of a missing Bull problem, it's two less than impressed Detectives who must take on the responsibility.

Detective Sergeant Andy Wainwright lit the first cigarette of the day, his one free hand propping up his head to keep it from drooping. A hung over DS was not the best look, but since when did he really give a fuck? And in any case, it wasn’t exactly a rare occurrence. After that whole affair with the NWA things had died down quickly and Sandford was filled with all manner of unmysterious happenings and nothing that really warranted the services of two Detectives on the force. Finally summoning the energy to lean back in his chair, Andy took a drag from his smoke and let it out in a laugh. Bloody Nicholas and his constant nattering about how it wasn’t the force any more, it was the service. The more the man tried, the more futile the efforts became.

Wainwright was brought out of his fuzzy, hung over thoughts by the familiar greeting from his fellow detective. “Chuck us a smoke, would ya?” It would probably be about lunchtime before the two of them actually formed sentences that could be put into conversations. Obliging to the younger man’s request, Wainwright flicked the half full pack of cigarettes at Andy Cartwright as he sat down. With a nod of thanks, the young man made little time of lighting up and stretching out into his usual recumbent position, feet on his desk and chair as far back as it could comfortably go.

The two smoked in a comfortable silence signalling a need for the pack of smokes with either a click or a clap. Morning routine as always.

“Alright Andy? Andy.” Doris greeted each of them in turn although, hardly expecting a reply she just continued on with what she had to say. “Inspector wants you two on the look out for Des Carpenter’s bull. It escaped last night. Prize winner, you know the one.”

“What?” Wainwright blew out a puff of smoke in agitation. “Why don’t the Inspector take care of it himself? Him and Danny love that kind of horseshit.”

“Can’t. They’re already taking care of that little spot of bother we’ve been having with those kids who keep filling people’s post boxes with mud.”

“Well, what about You and Tony. Or Tony and Bob? Me and Andy aren’t in the business of cattle hunting.”

“Well, we don’t know exactly where it is.” Doris tapped a pencil to the notepad she was holding. “Just up and disappeared. So Angel thought it’d be best if someone detected where the bloody thing is.” The woman gave a shrug. “Inspector’s orders.” She finished simply.

“What a load of old cock.” Wainwright sneered as he stubbed out his cigarette in the full ashtray in the middle of his desk before climbing to his feet. Grabbing the sunglasses and the now very nearly empty pack of cigarettes, he looked over at Cartwright who was still looking at the ceiling, cigarette hanging on his lip. “I don’t bloody believe this.” He stated, the smoke bobbing about slightly as he spoke. He took one last draw on the cigarette before extinguishing it in much the same manner as his partner.

“Well, sooner we get it back…” Wainwright didn’t need to finish the well-known cliché for an understanding to be made. “I’ll drive.” He said with finality as the two exited their office.

It didn’t take all that long to find the damnable beast. Stupid thing was loitering by the road even before Carpenter’s farm was reached. As the car was pulled over a little way from the suspect, Cartwright spoke aloud what the two of them were thinking. “How the fuck do we catch this thing?”

“We got rope, don’t we?”

“Your bloody car.”

“Fuckin’ help you are.”

The two of them exited the vehicle, Wainwright going around to the boot to check around for anything that could subdue the Bull until Carpenter could be alerted that the thing had been caught. Cartwright took to keeping an eye on the bull, the latter deciding it didn’t like what the Detectives were up to.

“Andy, you got anything back there?” came a rather apprehensive call after a few minutes.

“There’s so much shit back here I can’t even think. Give me a moment, would you?” Wainwright was oblivious to his partner’s tone in the frustration of having so much inane bullshit in the back of his car. Bullshit…in a manner of speaking.

“Don’t think we got a moment.” Cartwright was watching the bull steadily as the huge beast took rather a dislike to being studied. And just like that, the bull was off at a charge for the younger of the two men, while Wainwright remained blissfully, yet rather frustratedly, unaware of the unfolding events. A somewhat subdued “Oh shit” was all the indication he got that anything was wrong, but in his distraction he paid no mind. He found the rope he was looking for and slammed the boot closed in triumph and meeting the sight of a charging bull. “Oh. Shit.” He echoed his partner’s sentiments unknowingly.

Wainwright barely had time to acknowledge what he was seeing before the bull stampeded right past him, taking the most direct route, which was most definitely through the very place Cartwright was standing on moments previous. As the Bull blew past at rather a surprising speed for a great big fat fuck, Wainwright lost sight of his partner. The only signal he got was a loud thumping noise against the bonnet of the car.

“Andy! You all right?” but Wainwright knew the answer before he got a reply from the laughter that came from the front of the car. The bull had stopped for the moment as though nothing was wrong, innocent and doe eyed watching the repercussions from it’s place a few hundred yards down the road. Cartwright slid himself of the bonnet of the car, brushing himself off as he did so, his face still lit with amusement at the situation.

“I had no idea those bastards could run so fast.” He admitted with a grin at his partner, who was by this time, sharing a grin at the absolute ridiculous situation. “You know what I reckon?” Cartwright said, keeping his eyes on the bull down the road as he tapped out two cigarettes from a replenished stock and held one out to Wainwright. “If we could just get it over here and we get a tie ‘round it’s neck, it’d give up.” He popped the smoke in his mouth, lit it and passed the lighter over to his now deep in thought partner.

“How do you reckon we get it over here, then?” Wainwright asked as he too lit up.

“It’s a daft bastard. It’d come in exchange for grass or something edible.”

“Maybe we could use you. It seemed to like you.”

“Fuck off.”

“But yeah. You might have something with that grass thing. All right, you go grab some of that fucking grass over there and get that thing over here. I’ll pop the rope over its head then we can just lead the bastard back to Carpenter’s place.”

“Right.” The two stayed where they were for a few moments, not really entertaining the thought of going through with their plan. “Fuck it. Let’s just bloody do it.”

It went as smoothly as could be expected, since the bull was used to being hand fed by Des Carpenter rather than having to get food for itself. Such was the joys of being a prizewinner. Cartwright had to wave the glass practically in front of the bull’s nose before the beast would actually follow him, an idea that the Detective didn’t quite want to go along with. There was a bit more trouble as the captive got wind of what was going on with that rope and it took the two men some time to subdue the damned thing long enough to get a rope around it’s neck. After much cursing, the prisoner was finally secured. Bull in tow it was a slow drive back to the Carpenter Farm but finally, man and beast were reunited.

“Didn’t give you too much trouble, did he?” Des asked, his eyes flicking expectantly between the two Detectives, both of which had to carefully keep their eyes off each other in order to keep their business like façade in place and not betray the few spots of bother they had encountered.

“Nothing we can’t deal with.” Wainwright answered for both of them.

Settling back in their respective, traditional places at the newly rebuilt station, it would take a keen eye to figure out the two detectives had actually left their post. Sharing a laugh over the day’s events, any hints of what the two were talking about were erased as soon as Inspector Nicholas Angel popped his head in the office. Routine as Always.

Oh, lordy. My apologies.
Current Mood: numbnumb
prairiestar: head blow up?prairiestar on May 14th, 2007 01:16 pm (UTC)
“Right.” The two stayed where they were for a few moments, not really entertaining the thought of going through with their plan. “Fuck it. Let’s just bloody do it.”

hee hee! awesome. This was not the crap you made it out to be! I liked it a lot. Perfect amount of macho swearing and grouchiness. :)
Just another LJer: [HF]Wainwright: Sunglassesocularis on May 14th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
Heh, thanks, but I'm sure it left much to be desired.
Although, Manly, macho swearing...fun times!
Red: Hot Fuzz - Happy Andysredderz on May 14th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
Don't sell yourself so short! This is great! And it is in character! XD They're so perfectly annoyed all the way through. I could hear them talking whilst I read it.

More! :D
Just another LJer: [HF]Andys & Nicholas: Textlessocularis on May 14th, 2007 11:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm just glad I didn't mess it up royally. Heh.
Mz. Mswankyfunk on May 14th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
Well I loved it! Really funny and totally in-character.

“What a load of old cock.”

I need to use this phrase more often in daily life.
Just another LJer: [HF]Cartwright: Umbrellaocularis on May 14th, 2007 11:59 pm (UTC)
Mmm, it's not a bad phrase to use in certain situations. I think I may have heard it somewhere before and it just stuck.
Thanks for the comment.
sammiface!: hot fuzz | happy andys!chibijelly on May 14th, 2007 03:15 pm (UTC)
That was incredibly cute. :) I loved it.
Just another LJer: [HF]Andys: Smokin'ocularis on May 14th, 2007 11:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks a boat load!
(Deleted comment)
Just another LJer: [HF]Cartwright: Blank stareocularis on May 15th, 2007 12:01 am (UTC)
Re: Don't take this as a flame, take this as constructive criticsm.
Alright, I've edited my opening text.
Sorry about that. I've always been sort of attention whorey with my writing because I like to make it seem like I don't care if people bag me out for it and that's easier if I don't show any investment in something.
skypipe on May 14th, 2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
That was great! I had a fic started... but then my computer crashed. I really liked yours though. :)
Just another LJer: [HF]Andys: Riot Gearocularis on May 15th, 2007 12:02 am (UTC)
Oh no! I hope you can get back into the swing of things! Ficness for the win!
Thanks. :D
Proud Misha Minionmckay_ocd on May 14th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
The voices were good and the story flowed nicely.

Don't sell yourself short and if you do? Post it as a separate entry in your journal not at the top of the story.

But this was good. I'd like to see more. :)
Just another LJer: [HF]Danny & Nick: Textlessocularis on May 15th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
Thanks a lot. :D I often have flow issues and awkward phrasing.

Yeah, I sometimes have a little trouble with that type of thing. But it's changed to be less attention whorey and such.
Proud Misha Minionmckay_ocd on May 15th, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
Argh I have a huge problem with flow issues and awkward phrasing in my stories and I'm always envious of someone who creates a nice flowing piece. :)
It's all good. It's hard to put something out there when you're afraid it's not good enough or something. I often feel the need to say 'I'm so sorry I have NO idea what the hell I'm doing!!' Lol!! :)
Write on!
Just another LJer: [HF]Cartwright: Annoyedocularis on May 15th, 2007 04:44 am (UTC)
I know what you mean. Everyone else seems to have no problems putting out the awesome fics and stories, while I have to struggle with every word. It's only very occasionally I'm pleased with the work I've done, or at least usually I'm pleased with it but I'm really worried others won't be.
I have more than one occasion of throwing various hissy fits because I can't get things to work.
Fun times, let me tell you. :D
Proud Misha Minionmckay_ocd on May 15th, 2007 04:49 am (UTC)
Lol! I absolutely agree with everything you said. :D
A One-Way Ticket to Laughtertowne, USA: The Andyshybridutensil on May 14th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)

Loved it, m'dear :D Though I may be biased ;)

(oh, and the parcel's in the mail!)
Just another LJer: [HF]Andys: Riot Gearocularis on May 15th, 2007 12:04 am (UTC)
It's hard to to be biased with such awesome subject matter. Heh. But I'm glad you liked it all the same.

(Oooh! Awesome! Thank you so much!)
Nitesh: it be zombie killing teim nao?nitesh_update on May 14th, 2007 11:10 pm (UTC)
Win. I really enjoyed this. :D
Just another LJer: [HF]Andys: Andysocularis on May 15th, 2007 12:05 am (UTC)
Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it. :D