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12 November 2007 @ 09:55 am
Man of the House  
Title: Man of the House
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Character/s: Gen
Word Count: 1,200
Rating: PG-13 (fer cussin’)
Summary: The holiday Officers’ Ball wrecks havoc, and we find out that while Frank Butterman was insane, he still managed to teach his son a thing or two.

NOTES: Sometimes you just get inspired by an idea. While this is nearly G-Rated, if you like top!Danny, you will like this. *evil grin*


Man of the House


Back in April, (now) Inspector Nicholas Angel and his partner (now) Sergeant Daniel Butterman took down the NWA. It was a huge affair, a massive multiple-murder case with legal proceedings still grinding through the courts eight months later. It cast a pall over the whole, half-empty village so when the holidays finally snuck up, everyone was fully ready for the annual Officers’ Ball. Almost everyone.

“Toilet paper?” Nicholas frowned.

“Yeah!” Danny and Doris were piling rolls of toilet paper in the corner.

“This is a holiday party.”

“Right!” Doris grinned, delighted, and Danny hooted in laughter. The Andes were in the department’s small kitchen area, creating something remotely akin to punch, while Tony went about draping everything that was not currently motion with shiny tinsel, including Nicholas.

This was all out of sync for Nicholas, who considered an office holiday party to be polite, and proper, and official, and generally quiet. And over quickly.

“Do we need this much food?”

“Yumingonallnit. Yea.” Walker nodded, laying out a third tray of pudding.

“All night?” Nicholas frowned again. He was promoted to inspector soon after the NWA affair was settled, but only last month was he officially installed as the chief of the Sandford Police Department. He understood that his new authority was still a flexible issue for some of his team, a condition he feared might be permanent for certain individuals. “Danny!”

“Wot?” Danny looked up from helping the Turners push desks to the edges of the room.

“Just…I mean, how many people do you think will be here? Isn’t this an office partyyyy-what-the-hell…” He was distracted by Andy walking in the place, his arms full of boxes of vinyl albums. He was helping the rent-a-DJ in from Northwest Wapping who promised Nicholas a flat out disco-crazy evening of 70s and 80s boogie-down tunes. Nicholas paled.

“No, absolutely not…”

“Then what everyone goin’ to dance to, Nicholas?” Danny asked, genuinely perplexed.

“Who is everyone, Danny? Isn’t this an office party?”

Doris slapped her hands together. “Kor, Nick! It’s the Officers’ Ball!” She threw her hands up in the air and walked off. The implications of this statement became alarmingly clear to Nicholas within the hour, as the village – the entire population of the village – began showing up for the festivities. Nicholas had no idea how any of these people could even know about the party, and decided that there was some kind of village-level psychic connection going on to which he was not privy.

The ball did, in fact, last all night. Danny danced with Doris and most of the female population to “It’s Raining Men” while the Andes kept trying to tip the more scantily clad wives and the Turners got mobbed by a small clique of what appeared to be some kind of twins fetishist club, as far as Nicholas could tell. He managed to avoid the dance floor through stealth and few well placed judo moves, but somehow ended up on the Andes’ shoulders after Danny ‘volunteered’ him to put the star on the tree sometime around two am. The Andes’ office kept getting locked from the inside and Nicholas decided to keep a sharp eye on Danny for the rest of the night, which did not finally end until past five in the morning. Someone was supposed to be on shift but no one knew who, so the Andes volunteered to camp out ‘on duty’ among the disorder, and it was no secret that the barely-legal Norton sisters were stashed under their desks.

The next day started late, and Nicholas, bright eyed and only slightly bloated from drinking nearly a gallon of cranberry juice during the course of the party, walked in to find his team entirely beat down, hung over, and lethargic.

“We need to clean this up, people. Come on. Doris, why don’t you start on the vacuuming?”

“Eh? No.”

“Well, Tony, how about you?”

“Eh? Oh no, Inspector, I think ‘m still pissed.” Tony put his head back down on the desk.

“Andes? Come on, let’s get something in motion here.”

Andrew snorted and grinned. “I been ‘in motion’ half the night, Nick. Not fuckin’ movin’.”

“Look, I’ll order in lunch and we’ll all just work together to get this mess cleaned up.” Nicholas smiled winningly, and everyone groaned. A waste tin flew through the air but Nicholas ducked.

“Lunch sounds good.” Tony said, his voice muffled in his arms.

“I could eat.” Andrew nodded, and slapped Andy when he snickered at him.

“NnnNNNnnn.” Walker, lying prone on his desk, concurred.

“What we gettin’, then?” Danny asked generally.

“Chinese?” Doris offered, and the Turners went vehement about MSG and cheap soy sauce.

“Pizza.” Andrew said it definitively and authoritatively, and was ignored as usual.

“’Ere, we got plenty of bolognaise sauce in the pantry…” Ewan Turner spoke up.

“FUCK NO.”

“…a few canned carrots, some canned corn, eh, it would work out well.” Ewan looked thoughtfully at his brother.

“Mmmm. Mrs. Palmer dropped off those raspberries, we got flour, I could whip up a quick pie…” Evan agreed.

Nicholas waved his arms. “NO ONE is eating until this mess is cleaned up!”

“I don’t vacuum!” Doris shouted, pointing at the floor.

“I ain’t touchin’ the trash.” Andy whined.

“I don’t care! Just do something!” Nicholas slapped his hand on a desk.

“Ain’t that bad, Nick….as long as we get all the toilet paper collected…” Andy shrugged, accustomed to living in the clutter of spent parties.

“Not touchin’ the dishes, Inspector. I ‘ate getting my ‘ands wrinkley.” Tony sniffed.

“Jesus Christ!” Nicholas barked, with his hands on his hips, and the arguments all began again.

“STOP IT!” Danny shouted. Everyone froze in shock and looked at him. He whipped around and pointed at Nicholas. “You! Vacuum!” Nicholas blinked twice, then bounced off.

He turned to Doris. “Dishes!”

“Unnh; yes love.” Doris fled.

He pointed at the Andes. “Toilet paper pick up and trash duty!”

“Fuck on…”

“Shut it. You get the trash.” Andrew peeled himself off the wall.

Tony stood up uncertainly under Danny’s glare. “Clear the desks and secure the broken window.”

“Umhum!” Tony groaned but started throwing things into his trash bin.

“Walker!”

“Enim?”

“You and Saxon fix up the front garden where the cars rolled over everything.”

“Enim…” They plodded out, dog and man grumbling as one.

Danny turned on the Turners. “And you…you know what to do.”

They nodded and headed for the kitchen to start making lunch.

Danny stood in the middle of the firestorm, arms folded, glaring at the Andes who kept trying to sneak out for cigarettes and pointing out spots that Nicholas missed with the vacuum, while giving instructions to Tony on boarding up the back window. Doris peeked out from the kitchen, the Turners looking over her shoulders in awe.

She snorted and giggled at the same time. “I guess we know ‘oo the man of the ‘ouse is, yeah?”

####
 
 
Current Mood: drunkdrunk
 
 
 
zombie survivalistbeccavox on November 12th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
the 'twin fetish' line made me snort my morning tea out my nose.

not as successful in making me use my nasal cavity was Nicholas avoiding the dance floor with judo moves, but it did make me laugh.

Damn...your Sandford police service has some good parties.

lacking in glitter: shitzorztawg on November 13th, 2007 07:29 am (UTC)
I liked this. I think it is very Nicholas to have minimal idea as to how to control his constabulary. And the Andes in their office with the barely-legals, and Danny on the dance floor. The judo moves had me snorting.
afullmarginafullmargin on November 14th, 2007 02:25 am (UTC)
Hehe. Very cute! :) I love Danny snapping to in a pinch. Very nice. :)