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12 October 2007 @ 12:39 pm
First Time for Everything: Fractures  
Title: First Time for Everything: Fractures
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Character/s: NA/DB
Word Count: 4300
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Happily ever after? Not here, baby…not now.

NOTE: This. Kicked. My. Ass. I was going off course for a long time and three major re-writes before I realized that I was mapping Danny wrong: he is actually the top, at the very least emotionally and psychologically. I thought otherwise until I re-read the first two stories and realized that in both, Danny is the one pushing the matter forward, fixing it when he can, and in the end holding Nicholas together. And if you start thinking "For fuck's sake, Nick, give it up!" (as I did at about the 5,000 word mark), just remember that the premise of this whole series is that Nicholas Angel's programming runs wayyyyy deep...

IMPORTANT: There is one more chapter (which is already written, so breathe easy, it will be posted soon), so don’t shoot me when you get to the last line of this one. You’ll know what I mean when you get there.

Beware: Here thar be angst!



First Time for Everything: Fractures


If Nicholas’ world was shattered, no one could tell. He went to work, the pub, and Danny’s flat on an orderly basis, much as he did for the past year. Danny told him that Tony told him that Doris told him that the Turners said he and Nicholas had a huge fight about a movie but were all made up now, which was as uncomfortably close to the truth as Nicholas would allow.

Because the truth was, Nicholas was suddenly gay, and in love with Danny, and snogging him regularly. Nicholas did not feel very much like a homosexual, in fact he felt pretty much the same as always, but mentally, he knew he was now defined ‘differently.’ It bothered him. He never said it to Danny, but it was not as if Danny did not know.

Worse, he was in the closet. He always wondered why gay men stayed in the closet, because in this day and age it did not seem necessary. That logic worked very well up to the first morning he woke up in Danny’s arms, having willingly spent the night there after Danny kissed him senseless. It was their first kiss and Nicholas was certain he would remember it for the rest of his life, if for no other reason than it completely wrecked his life.

It was not a very fair thought to Danny, he reasoned, because as kisses go it was a stellar one. Being in love with Danny, though, was different from being attracted to him, and that kiss brought those two worlds unbearably close for Nicholas, making their relationship less theoretical (as Nicholas preferred to think of it) and more concrete (which was clearly how Danny defined it). It was bad enough he was now reckoning to find a way for them to move in together, and he was thinking about long term plans for them together, and god help him they were talking about vacationing to New York City next year together (to visit the places where Léon was filmed). He considered cross training as a hair dresser to just get it over with. And what, he wondered, was he going to tell his mother?

Not a damn thing.

------

Danny’s life was heaven and hell, and for one reason: Nick. They were a couple, and Danny was very pleased with managing that, although he admitted to himself that he was not sure how he managed it. In any case, they were, and he was planning to live out the rest of his life next to Nick, which was hell.

The rules were clear: kissing, cuddling, and hand holding. Anything more than that, and Nicholas froze like a cornetto. Their first kiss was outstanding, and Danny knew instinctively that he somehow rocked Nick’s world. Nick did not take well to world-rocking, though, and was now keeping their kisses far more chaste, which translated into minimal tongue and no petting. Danny was masturbating like mad every time Nick was out of his sight for more than five seconds (except at work of course…well there was the one time…) but that did not help when they were in bed together and waking up and Danny knew they were both hard as rocks and Nick was just so damn close. There were not enough cold showers in the world for Danny.

Danny promised, though. He knew the stability of their relationship rested on his shoulders and on his ability to accept Nick’s limitations. Danny promised on his life that he would hold to the rules, and prayed for the day when Nick would stop being so insecure and so unbearably straight and just ask for a blow job.

In the meantime, life in Sandford went on as it always did.

------

Nicholas practically fell into the couch, shaking his head. It was a long day at work and he was glad to be here, with Danny, ready for a long relaxing evening in. There might even be snogging in the works, which he knew always made Danny happy, which in turn always made Nicholas happy. Then he saw what Danny was reading.

“Danny!”

“Wot?” Danny looked up as if he was holding a copy of Proust.

“What are you doing with that?”

“Lookin’. No crime, is there?”

“Not really…not really…your…I mean, that’s just out of your line, isn’t it?”

Danny shrugged. “I think girls are attractive. Don’t quite do it for me, though…” He turned the girlie magazine on its side to check out the center fold. Nicholas felt the blush down to his toes.

“Oh, god…” Nicholas groaned.

“What? Don’t get mad, Nick, I was just curious at what you liked.”

Nicholas was speechless.

“’Ere.” Danny wiggled his eyebrows. “I got an idea.”

Nicholas was certain that this was not going anywhere good.

“Do it.” Danny motioned at Nicholas as if telling him to lay down.

“…What?” Nicholas tilted his head, willing himself to not understand what Danny meant.

“Get y’self off. Go on. I can watch. I won’t touch, I swear.” He leaned forward as if getting ready to watch an awesome car chase.

Nicholas’ jaw dropped. “You’re joking.”

Danny dropped back to flipping through the magazine, looking up at Nick and smiling a bit. “No.”

Nicholas was startled, and shaken, not stirred. Danny seemed content with everything the way it was, undisturbed by Nicholas’ magazine choices or their cloistered, separate self-ministrations, but this request indicated some kind of dissatisfaction with the status quo. That, more than anything, bothered Nicholas.

“How about her?” Danny held up a nice photo spread that, in fact, was Nicholas’ top choice earlier that week. Nicholas blushed and looked away.

“Well you like her, I can tell. Com’on.” Danny laid the magazine down between them, open to the alluring pages.

“Um…no.”

“Why not?”

“That’s private, don’t you think?”

“Between us?”

Nicholas had no answer to that, because to him, yes, it was private, even between them. Danny saw the look, and got up.

“I got Bourne Supremacy yesterday. It kicks ass.”

Relieved, Nicholas swiped the magazine off the couch and stuffed it to the side. It took some coaxing and at least three blazing on-screen fights before Danny settled into Nicholas’ arms, but Danny made it clear that there was absolutely, unequivocally no snogging that night.

------

Nicholas marveled at how easy it was to be in this relationship. In most ways, nothing changed, and while he was certain there was plenty of village gossip about them (thank you, Andes, he noted with displeasure), on the surface everything appeared to be the same as it always was.

That was the strangest part. Nicholas was used to relationships requiring more work, more frustration, and more problems than this. Danny was not shy about hiding his unhappiness with their physical limitations but other than that, they got along as famously as they always had. In Nicholas’ experience, once a “relationship” started, all the fun died, but it was not that way it was with Danny. There were disagreements (their first genuine lover’s spat was actually connected to Danny’s work schedule, so neither one of them really thought that counted) but they were mostly resolved amicably as soon as Danny got his way.

Nicholas sympathized with Danny’s main frustration, though. Magazines and videos were only so good, but it was always the same thing: Nicholas, by himself, jacking off to women he did not know or care about. He had no more interest in looking outside of the relationship than Danny did, though, and there the problem stalled. Sometimes Nicholas lay in bed awake while Danny slept, running his hands lightly over his skin, trying not to wake him up, wondering how far he could take it should Danny ever press the matter. In all honesty, Nicholas was almost willing to try, if only to make Danny happy, but he was too scared of what might happen to him. Just being in love with another man brought his life close to disintegrating; he did not know what he would do if every aspect of his sexual identity was fractured. That small part of him that even considered going there was terrifying, and that made it easy to shove aside.

Mostly, though, he was comfortable in a lazy way with how things were, even with the attendant frustrations and sexual tension. As long as Danny was willing to put up with this, Nicholas thought shamefully, he was going to keep everything just the way it was.

------

Danny rubbed Nick on the back at work that afternoon. He did not even think about it and to him, it was hardly a deeply, emotionally affectionate moment. Nick, with his usual high-strung nervous tension, went ballistic on him the minute they walked into Nick’s cottage that evening.

“Well damnit I am worried about people finding out, Danny!”

They were in the kitchen and Danny sat at the counter, snarling.

“Danny! Even if we weren’t…you know…”

“Fucking queers! Just say it!”

“Danny!” Nick practically wailed in frustration. “Even if! This relationship would still be off limits because of regulations! I’m your superior officer! Do you want to lose your job over this?”

Danny did not have to think about that, not at all. “No. But if it was the only way to keep you, I’d quit. Tomorrow. Today.”

Nick stared at him.

“What you think this is, Nick? I. Love. You. Right? How much more do I have to prove that? I live by your stupid rules and it’s hell for me, Nicholas! There! I said it! I hate this!” Danny pressed his face into his hands. “But I’d do it, Nick, I would. I’d quit, for you. You and the hell you make for me.” He lowered his arms to the counter and rested his head on them, hunched over, willing this conversation to end.

“Danny…” Nick came over and rested a hand on his shoulder, and Danny looked up. Nick looked scared, not something Danny ever saw on him before, and it made him sit up.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, Danny. I just can’t. And I don’t want this to ruin us, our careers, our life here. Just try to be discrete, please, that’s all I’m asking.”

Danny nodded.

“If…if you’re feeling pressure, maybe you could, I don’t know…”

Danny glowered. He knew where this was going. He was waiting on this for months. “If you make me go somewhere else for that, Nick, I won’t come back.”

Nick looked shocked.

“I’m yours, isn’t that what you said? That if I was going to be with you, you would not share? So what’s changed, Nick?”

“God, nothing, Danny, nothing, I swear…”

Danny was relieved to hear that, but he was still mad. Nick put his hands on Danny’s face and they were actually warm for a change.

“Danny, please, I just want you to be happy.”

Danny looked at him, feeling cold and furious. “You know what would make me happy, Nick.”

Nick’s hands dropped like lead. He braced himself against the counter and hung his head, his eyes shut. “Danny, you know I can’t.”

“I know you haven’t tried!” Danny yelled, kicked the chair over and walked out.

------

Nick was very kind and attentive the next few days after that, and while the rules were firmly in place, he went out of his way to make Danny happy in other ways. Flowers, his favorite ice cream, double features. Danny was rattled, though, and they both knew it.

He was right, Nick never even tried to relax and enjoy Danny physically. He took it halfway as far as they went the first night and stopped, purposely stopped, no matter the incentives Danny tried to give him emotionally or physically. Danny was beginning to realize that it bothered him more than anything, that maybe he just might not be able to live up to Nick’s damn unrealistic expectations forever. He was deeply rattled, in fact; he was as mad at himself as he was at Nick; and sometimes at night when Nick was asleep he would lightly run his hands over Nick’s chest and shoulders and back, just waiting for any kind of reaction at all.

------

“Aye! Danny! Y’cunt! And who’s this? Yours?”

It was Josh. Nicholas recognized him instantly and froze.

Josh walked up blazing masculinity and taut physical prowess in his uniform. He hooked a friendly arm over Danny’s shoulders and smiled invitingly at Nicholas, who remained entirely frozen. Danny smiled at Josh and pulled him close to his side in a familiar and strangely possessive way, and instantly Nicholas wanted to hit something. Preferably Josh.

“Aye, Josh. This is…Nick.”

Josh turned with a stunned look to face off with Danny. “Nick, is it?”

Danny grinned. “Yeah.”

Josh kept his arm around Danny and Nicholas thought it looked rather protective. He wondered how long Danny had known him, anyway. This was the man Nicholas saw having sex with Danny those months ago and it was his jealously of Josh that made him realize how much he loved Danny. Part of Nicholas did not want to forgive him either act.

“So you’re Nick.” Josh stuck out his hand, his other arm locked around Danny. It was clear he was not planning to let go.

“Yes.” Their hands met and it was crushing.

When Danny talked him into going to the game that day, Nicholas did not know that included time spent hanging out with the players. Right now it was just the three of them near the locker room and Josh and Danny were not very reserved about their affections, Nicholas noted disapprovingly. Danny really did not need the encouragement.

“Aye, Josh, good luck! See you after the game!” Danny shoved Josh off and shook hands with him as they heard the clatter of other people heading their way. It was a smoothly done move and Nicholas realized that this was a give-and-take that the two were well practiced at. He wondered at what other parts of Danny’s life, what little nooks and crannies, he was oblivious to.

The advantage of an away game, Danny explained patiently, is that you can throw things and yell at the refs and be very nasty but your mum would never find out about it. Nicholas held back from pointing out that his mum was south of London and Danny’s mum was deceased, as that apparently did not have anything to do with the logic going on around him. Danny took it very seriously, however, and the word “hooligan” kept popping into Nicholas’ mind every few minutes when Danny yelled at the refs using obscenities that Nicholas did not know Danny knew. He tried to keep focused on the game, and was not happy to discover that Josh really was an incredible player (although he wondered why he cared), and tried not to knock anyone down when Danny nearly lifted him off his feet when they won 2-1.

The after game celebration was at a local pub which tried to at least be polite to the team that crushed their hopes for the regionals. Nick found himself at a table with Danny and a few members of the team, and Nick began to suspect that there was more camaraderie to this select group than just football, not least when he saw one player lean in close to Danny, motion towards Nick with his chin, and whisper just a little too loudly, “Damn, DannyBoy, wot y’got there?”

He tried to keep a level head as he looked around at the table full of young, virile men who all seemed to know Danny better than he did, and the only thought he could process was how many of these men did Danny sleep with?

Nicholas decided, reasonably, that he could not beat up everyone at the table and left to get a fresh cranberry juice from the bar.

“Danny says you work w’im. You’re a cop?” Josh appeared behind him as Nicholas stood waiting to be served.

“Yes, I’m a policema-officer.”

Josh moved in very close next to him and Nicholas’ trained nerves went on alert.

“You love ‘im?” He spoke quietly, nearly whispering in Nicholas’ ear.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I asked if you love him, you fuckin’ cunt.”

Nicholas swiveled his head, remaining motionless otherwise, and stared at the kid with his fiercest official “police officer” look, their faces centimeters apart. Nicholas gave him credit for not backing down.

“I’nt jealous, not like that. But we’re like mates, right? Known each other for years. Looked out for each other. I seen men come and go; you’re not his first, ‘kay? So just letting you know: hurt him, break his heart with your fuckin’ het airs, and you’ll answer to me.” Josh nodded and moved back, looking Nicholas directly in the eyes and not budging an inch.

Nicholas took a second to figure out what “het airs” were before he remembered that Danny described Nicholas as heterosexual to Josh once. At the time, it was an accurate description. Now…

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Nicholas nodded and walked off to collect Danny and get the hell out of there.

-------

The ride home was lovely. Danny rolled down the car windows to let the cold air rush over him. He was not pissed but pleasantly drunk and it was a fantastic game and Nick was next to him driving him home and they were together and they were going to make out later while watching Lethal Weapon and Danny was deliriously happy. Part of him registered that Nick did not have as good a time as he did, but he expected that, and so it was not a huge surprise to him when Nicholas insisted they leave early.

“You know a lot of people, Danny.”

“Ayyyee, I grew up here, Nick. Wot’cha think, Dad raised me locked in a barn?”

“Those men seemed to know you very well.”

“Sure! How many queers y’got in this part of the country, eh? Tight knit group. We got to hang together when we can, even if it is like…bein’ undercover. Ey, and now they know you!” Danny thought that was awesome. Nick was one of them now. Well, almost…kinda sorta…well, close enough.

“Danny?”

“Yeah, Nick?”

Nick did not answer. Danny looked over and noticed that he had a death grip on the wheel, and Danny’s brain rang a warning.

“You had sex with many of those men?” Nick asked the question slowly, and carefully, and Danny realized that this situation was steering wildly off course.

“Aw, Nicky, what does it matter? I’m with you now.”

“I’m just asking, Danny.”

“A few, I guess. Y’know how kids are…anyway you know about me’n Josh. Not like you don’t know.” Danny looked out the window, hoping this was over.

Nick was silent, deadly silent, and Danny had no idea what might bother Nick so much about this; it was not as if Nick was much of a virgin, either, even if they did not get off on each other.

“Damnit!” Nick nearly yelled out and hit the steering wheel, causing both Danny and the car to jump.

“Nick! What! What’s wrong?”

Nick swerved off the road onto the small shoulder, screeching the wheels to a stop and releasing his seat belt as if he were going to jump out and run the rest of the way. It was a long, rural stretch of road back to Sandford and they were completely alone in the gathering dark.

Danny was stunned and just sat looking at Nick, wondering what they were going to fight about now.

“You didn’t do anything, Danny. Nothing. You’re…” Nick sat staring straight ahead, lost for words.

“Then what is it, Nick? One of the guys get on you about me?”

Nick looked at him and his eyes and his face and his body was filled with a fierce intensity that Danny had not seen since the day of The Shootout.

“You know why I came back that day, Danny?”

Danny knew exactly which day he meant, if only from the look on his face. “To…to take out the bad guys?” He suspected that was the wrong answer, but it was the only one that made sense to him.

“For you.”

They sat frozen in time, staring at each other. Danny could not understand what was going on or where Nick’s mind had gone and began to wish he was a lot more sober than he was.

He did not even see Nick move, he was so fast, but he felt Nick lips on his and Nick’s hands hold his face and Nick practically crawling into his lap. Danny grabbed him and crushed him to his body but kept his brain connected enough not to move his hands off of Nick’s back. This was some kind of release and Danny knew it was important for him to keep Nick together enough to get through it, where ever it went. Now was not the time for Danny.

He could tell by the way Nick pushed against him and opened his mouth to him and ran his hands over him that this was Nick’s answer to Danny’s first kiss. This was not Nick holding back and keeping to the rules, this was Nick boring his way into Danny with a well-hidden and furious passion. Danny knew it was there, but this was possibly only the second time he ever felt it. Nick wrapped his arms around Danny’s head and shoulders and sucked on his lips like a drunken man, which Danny thought funny because he was technically the drunk one.

“God, Danny…” Nick purred as he trailed kisses up Danny’s cheek to his ear and Danny gasped with the sensation of Nick’s tongue rolling into his ear, his mouth sucking on his skin. Danny desperately wanted to answer this but the rules were there, and if he did break them, what would he push Nick into doing? Respond? Or stop in a panic?

He stopped anyway. In the next second he was completely still, holding Danny in a death-grip hug, lowering his head into Danny’s neck. Danny felt his own erection pressing against both his pants and Nick’s hip and he knew that Nick could feel it and Danny was utterly, completely desperate not to screw this up…and then he realized that Nick’s whole body was shaking, that some current was building in him which felt as if it was going to rip him apart, and Danny did not know anything else to do than hold him as tightly as he could while Nick cried in his arms.

“S’okay, Nick. We stopped. We stopped.” He knew that was the right thing to say and Nick pushed himself further into his embrace, still speechless.

Danny could feel Nick sliding back into place as he held him. He felt Nick tense up in his lap, and he let go as Nick moved silently back into the driver’s seat. As they moved back onto the road, Danny slipped his hand onto the top of Nick’s thigh, lightly, just to let Nick know he was there, that he had his back, as always. He halfway expected to feel the familiar twitch which meant that he was breaking the rules, but he didn’t, and after a few seconds Nick placed his free hand on top of Danny’s. That was when Danny knew how massively he screwed up. A window opened for Nick, briefly and explosively, and Danny did not take the chance when it appeared. The opportunity was gone.

------

Nicholas did not know what he planned and it was obvious he did not plan any of it anyway. He felt ripped apart knowing that some of the men he met tonight had been with Danny, and been with him not just as lovers but as friends. He never really saw Danny in any environment outside of Sandford and while it made perfect sense that Danny’s life was more than action movies, the police station, and Nick, it was hard to come face to face with the reality that Danny did not just belong to him. Josh was not very diplomatic but Nicholas could not fault him his feelings, because he knew how he would feel about Danny in his shoes.

As Nick thought about everything on that drive, and Danny evaded his questions about his past, Nick understood the depth of the wall between them, a wall he built for his own protection and nothing more. He thought about when he first fell in love, and he realized that it was back to the day before it all went to hell and he was at Leslie Tiller’s store buying Danny a Japanese Peace Lily and she asked if it was for someone special. It was. He did not come back to Sandford to clean it up, he came back to rescue Danny, who was certain to be murdered once it was discovered he tricked the NWA in order to save Nicholas’ life. He returned for Danny, because he loved him. It was that simple.

However, it was seeing Danny relaxed and happy at the pub that made Nick realize that he really, in a very basic sense, did not have Danny at all. Danny always seemed tense around him, and Nicholas knew why: Danny was scared of scaring him off. It was Nick’s own fault, of course, because at first it was a very real possibility. But Danny never broke the rules and never pushed Nick into anything and walked on eggs around him all day, every day, trying to be what Nick wanted him to be. It was grossly unfair to Danny, and it was unhealthy for both of them.

He finally understood that if he loved Danny then he had to be able to make love to Danny or they simply would not survive.

And he could not do it.
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
lolabobs: yaaarplolabobs on October 12th, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
don’t shoot me when you get to the last line of this one

I'm locked and loaded - wahh! I need the next part! I only stumbled across the earlier parts of these yesterday, and now I'm gagging for the next!